Ramen Romance
by Amysteriouswhisper
Summary: Roaring black warp holes suddenly rear their misshapen heads, bringing Sue and friends crashing into the YYH world. Presses will be notified when a plot is established.
1. Enter Gaping Black Warp Hole

**Ramen Romance**

**Disclaimer**:

They're mine! They're mine! ALLLL MIIIIINE!!!! ::cough:: Yeah. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, it's characters, Liz Phair (thank god), KFC, and unexplainable phenomena that only happen every two millennia - those happen all on their own.

**Claimer**:

Uh...is there anything about this stupid thing I actually want to claim? Well, the story-line and plot. But this is a parody, and this idea has been done soo many times before. I'm basically doing this for my own pleasure because there are some pretty bad stories out there now-a-days (but no offense to anyone!). I guess I own my version of Sue (that's Mary Sue) and Tsuki and Rose and the other random people that pop up that aren't from YYH; I also own the black warp holes that keep popping up, and I think that's it. Please ask my permission before using anything from this story, and this includes quotes. I'm not possessive, I just like getting mail.

**-- Chapter One --**

"Hiei?" quipped a tall red-head to the short spiky-haired demon next to him.

"Hn," came Hiei's ever-popular reply.

Kurama glanced at his reflection in a small hand-held mirror, then slipped it into his back pocket. "Why are all the girls always attracted to you first? What's wrong with me?"

Hiei raised an eyebrow, turning to look into the woods behind them. Behind just abour every tree lurked a "hiding" female, each leering hungrily at the pair walking down the path. "What are you talking about? Girl's don't like us."

"You're right, they're don't like _us_. They like _you_!" argued the kitsune.

Hiei shrugged, not caring to bring up Kurama's fanclub. He didn't know what kind of self-doubting period Kurama was going through, but it could just be one of those _'phases' _human psychologists are always muttering about. Hiei, knowing next to nothing about humans, chose to act as he always did. Big surprise there. "I don't know what's wrong with them, but it's getting annoying. And I'm running out of places to hide the bodies," the short demon said off-handedly. "But I think it may be your hair. How many people a day ask if you're male or female?"

Kurama sighed dejectedly. "The numbers are increasing," he said thoughtfully, taking a forlorn look at his long red hair.

Hiei's hand wondered to the hilt of his katana. "I could cut it for you, you know." His other hand fingered a few strands of his companion's locks.

Kurama pulled away, adding in a teasing tone, "Hiei, I've told you before - I'm not interested in _that _kind of thing." Hiei stuffed his hands into his pockets and glared at his friend.

Before either of them could say anything to fill the awkward silence that had suddenly descended upon them, a giant black hole ripped into the pretty forest scenery around them. "What on earth is that?!" exclaimed Kurama, staring wide-eyed at the swirling black void.

Hiei, emotionless as ever, took a tentative step towards it. And another. And another. And then before he could take another, the fire demon was sucked into the mass of black.

- - - -

The next thing he knew, Hiei was being pulled along an annoyingly brightly lit hallway by a girl with impossibly perfect hair and flawless pop-star skin. And then...It spoke!

"Oh, my GAWD! I can't believe you're here!" it said in an annoying, sing-song, female voice, continuing to babble on about her disbelief that Hiei was, in fact, locked in her death grip.

The fire demon, however, had other plans. He also had a mundane life to get back to on the other side of the black hole. So he asked It bluntly, "Who the hell are you?" Then he realized that he sounded like he cared, so he added, "Not that I care, anyway." There, better .

"I'm Liz Phair! God, I've written, like, soooo many songs about you! This is so totally awesome!" It - I mean, Liz Phair - said loudly.

Hiei gave her a bored look and asked, "Where's Kurama?" Except it wasn't really a question, more like a demand masked as a question.

It - I mean, Liz Phair - flipped her perfect hair over her shoulder while her eyes twinkled, not noticing Hiei's blatantly impatient tone. "Like, who cares? You have ME now!"

Lucky Hiei ::cough cough::. "I don't "have" you," Hiei pointed out, emphasizing his point with finger-quotes from his free hand. "_You _have _me_. And I'd strongly advise you let go now."

But It - I mean, Liz Phair - didn't let go. In fact, she only tightened her grip, making Hiei wonder if his hand was still getting enough blood. It was starting to look a little blue - "B-But..." It interrupted Hiei's thoughts, giving him a pitifully meant-to-be-sweet-looking pleading face, "I can't breathe when I think about you! I can't speak when I talk about you! I - " It took a breath, then said in an excited whisper, "I love you!"

Oh, was he supposed to be excited as well? ...He wasn't feeling anything but annoyance from this idiotic human. And so he told her, "Pathetic human, I almost feel sorry for doing this." With that, he knocked her unconscious, it being against his intricate and often confusing Honor Code to kill her. You see, his Code was so intricate and confusing that not only does it deserve the capitol letters, but it even confused Hiei himself sometimes. Like now. He wasn't sure if it was okay to kill her or not...but he knocked her out just in case.

He again realized that it sounded like he cared again, so he added, "But then again, I don't really care." There, better -.

But Hiei's ordeal was not over - not by far. I mean, come on, I have to build a story around this. Four teenaged girls suddenly appeared - quite literally out of thin air - in cheerleader outfits that accentuated their every curve and made them appear beautiful and began to chant, "Go Hiei! Go Hiei! Go Hiei!"

Hiei, having overcome his initial shock at what was happening, growled like a cornered animal. "There's more of them?!" he asked in exasperation and sank into a fighting position. The girls shrieked and instantly disappeared to...wherever they originated from. Hiei smirked to himself and stood.

A vaguely familiar noise caught his attention and he turned to see that blasted black hole, the one that lead him to this hell! The fire demon turned niftily on his heel and walked into it.

- - - -

On the other side of the warp hole (which is what the black hole really was), Hiei found himself back in the forest. But...Kurama was nowhere to be seen. Poor Hiei. Instead, he spied a teenaged girl with acidic green-tipped bright orange hair spiked into a mohawk, dressed to rival a dominatrix. His interest was sparked immediately.

Just kidding!

Actually, the girl had dirty blonde hair so dark that was almost light brown. She looked like a goody-two-shoes that always follows the rules and snitches on the bad-asses. Hiei quickly tried to duck behind a tree, for fear of the girl being another gibbering idiot who would confess her love to him. Or it could be because he was an infamous bad-ass and he didn't need any goody-two-shoes snitching on him. It was probably more of the first reason, however, because the world is just too full of rabid fangirls, and Hiei knew this fact all too well.

The girl appeared to be lost, a fact proven true when she cried out to the sky, "What the - ?! Where am I?!" She looked down, discovering her attire was now a traditional Japanese kimono. "And what the hell am I doing in a _kimono_?!"

While she was looking around, she spotted Hiei (who was conspicuously concealing himself behind a shrub - you're not that short, Hiei!) . "Oh, hey Hiei," she called out to him.

It took Hiei a second to register that she was talking to him. You see, he thought he was doing a very good job of hiding, and was not aware that his hair gave him away in the most obvious way. He quickly recovered, eloquently throwing out, "I-you-hiding...shrub? Do I know you?"

The girl tried her hardest not to giggle, but failed horribly. Hiei gave her a death glare, an action completely and utterly wasted because she wasn't even looking at him. She soon stopped laughing, to Hiei's relief, and said, "I'm --blankthat'ssupposedtobehere--, but you can call me Sue! You probably don't know me, but I kind of know you. I've seen you..." she paused, thought for a second, and continued, "...somewhere before that I've conveniently forgotten for the moment."

"Hn," grunted Hiei. "Have you seen anyone around here with green eyes and long red hair that he won't let anyone cut?"

"You mean Kurama? No. You know, I don't even know how I got here. One minute I was sitting in my friend's house - in pants, by the way - and then this weird black hole appeared and I was here - in this kimono," Sue said in one breath.

"The same thing happened to me," replied Hiei, then quickly added, "Except without the changing clothes part. I just escaped from some thing calling herself Liz Phair."

"I pity you. How'd you escape?" asked Sue, now interested.

"By the time I knocked her out, that black warp hole had come back and I just came back here."

Sue gave him a wide-eyed incredulous look. "You knocked out Liz Phair?"

"Was she of any importance?" asked Hiei

"No - that's why I've been trying to poison her for months! This just isn't fair - I'm going to find another one of those black warp holes!" cried Sue, before stalking off down the dirt path.

Hiei had a sudden urge to keep Sue near him - I don't know why though, it was one of those unexplainable phenomena that only happen every two millennia. "Get back here, onna!" the short demon called to Sue's retreating back.

Sue whirled around. "It's either --blankthat'ssupposedtobehere-- or Sue, not 'onna'! What do you want?"

But the problem with these unexplainable phenomena that only happen every two millennia is that no one knows why they happen. Apply that fact to the situation at hand and you get a speechless Hiei! "I...I'm lost," he finally spurted out.

The girl scoffed. "I can't help you there. I don't even know where we are, remember?"

"Then why are you walking away? I know where we are, and I could find a warp hole faster than you can any day," he said in a tone similar to a high-school male challenging another high-school male. Unfortunately for Hiei, in this context it only made him sound like an overly-confident jackass.

Which is exactly what Sue heard. "You overly-confident jackass! It's just because I'm a girl, isn't it! Well I'll show you!" With that, Sue continued stalking down the path with her head held high, feeling very good that she'd basically told off Hiei the Overly-Confident Jackass. I'm getting to like that phrase, too.

But Hiei was getting aggravated. His day wasn't turning out to be that great - first dealing with a self-doubting Kurama, then escaping from the clutches of yet another annoyingly rabid fangirl, and now getting called an overly-confident jackass! It was enough to make him want to float on up to Cloud Nine and dream about his acidic green-tipped, bright-orange-hair-that-was-spiked-into-a-mohawk girl, who was still dressed to rival a dominatrix.

Just kidding!

It actually made him kind of mad. But that pesky unexplainable phenomenon that only happened every two millennia was still in effect, which over-rode his anger. It's all elementary, you see. Two plus two equals four - it just can't be any other way. And, getting back on topic, Hiei was in the process of making a spur-of-the-moment decisions stupid enough to rival one of Yusuke's, uh, strategies. With his oh-so-precise aim, he tossed his beloved katana towards Sue's retreating back. Don't worry, it didn't actually hit her, because he used his superior skill to aim it at the back of her kimono.

It was supposed to stop her in her tracks, leaving Hiei to do with her as he pleased. But, because it was a plan formulated in milli-seconds flat (we all know how fast Hiei is), and because it's stupidity level could be compared to that of one of Yusuke's "plans", it had a different effect.

_Rrrrriip..._

Oh, it stopped her in her tracks all right. The 'different effect' part was the long rip trailing from the tip of Hiei's katana (which was currently holding a bit of the kimono material to the ground) to conveniently just below Sue's gluteus maximus. Doesn't the scientific name sound spiffy?

"Damn...if only I were straight," muttered Hiei to himself, taking in the scene before his crimson eyes.

He was interrupted from his thoughts when Sue, a light red hue to her cheeks, asked, "Hey, do you have a hair clip or something I can borrow?" and looked at him expectantly.

Brief lesson: Hiei plus Hair Clips equals Apocalypse. You can tell what that answer was.

"Hn."

"Oh, come on. You expect me to believe that your hair stays like that naturally??"

"Hn." Hiei folded his arms across his chest, a sign that that conversation was now over.

Sue rolled her eyes, then proceeded to yank the katana out of the ground. She held it in her hands for a moment, admiring its shininess in the sunlight, and then cut off the excess material of the kimono. That left her with a funky mini-dress/kimono kind of thing going on. She just shrugged, pulled a ponytail off her wrist, and tied the back of the new dress in a way that didn't show off her ass...ets.

"Are you done yet?" Obviously patience is **not **a virtue in Hiei's eyes.

"Yup!" Sue exclaimed, tossing Hiei's katana through the air to him. He caught it with an expert's ease and was about to go when Sue suddenly said, "Hey!"

"What is it now, onna?"

"Why are you going that way?" Sue questioned innocently.

"Didn't we already discuss this? To find a black warp hole," the fire demon said, not having turned around yet.

"Why do we have to find one when it's right there?"

Hiei turned to see Sue pointing to an obvious, swirling black hole that had once again ripped through the pleasant forest scenery.

"I wonder what would happen if I poked it...?" Sue wondered aloud before taking a tentative step towards the ominous black mass.

Hiei shook his head, wondering how dense a human could get. When he finally stopped his head-shaking, he realized that Sue would be soon sucked into the black warp hole. Part of him said, "Good riddance!"...but another part said, "Unexplainable phenomena!"...while another part screamed, "**Fried chicken**!". In seconds flat, he had shaken his head again (to rid himself of the voices) and went with the 'Unexplainable phenomena!' voice (though he was tempted to go get some KFC...).

But before Hiei could move, and before Sue could poke the warp hole, another girl sped out, bringing Sue down to the dirt with her as she fell out. Hiei was just going to shoot out a cryptically humorous comment (because cryptic humor is pretty much the only humor seen from Hiei) when a squeal resonated around the forest. The Squeal Heard Round the World was then followed by, "Tsuki!"

- - - -


	2. Hiei Goes Maniacal

**CHAPTER TWO**

The two girls untangled themselves from the ground and the one Hiei assumed was named Tsuki spoke. "Hey, Sue! Where are we?"

"No clue!" answered Sue happily. The two girls giggled, which further annoyed Hiei. You see, he has selective hearing. That means that certain sounds really, REALLY annoy him1. One of those uber-annoying sounds is...you guessed it, the stupid and pointless Teenage Girl Giggle. Usually it's a kind of high-pitched 'Heeheehee!', but it varies from teenage girl to teenage girl.

Anywho. Soon (about 10 minutes later, actually), Hiei's patience was wearing thin. Which is actually saying a lot for Hiei's temper, but these are teenage girls, not Kuwabara. Luckily, just as the fire demon was about to threaten their lives with his menacing stance and shiny katana, they stopped. But they didn't just stop, they STOPPED. Like all of a sudden, as if someone had just severed their necks and they had died happy.

The cause for this sudden stop? Well, it wasn't Hiei, as much as he wished it had been.

"No really, where are we?" questioned Tsuki, serious as could be. Sounds like SOMEONE needs some edumacation!

"I told you, I don't know," replied Sue, backing away from her friend. Who knew, maybe this Stupid was contagious... "But this is Hiei," she informed Tsuki, pointing with not just one, but _two_ fingers (because Hiei's name cannot just be conveyed with ONE pointer finger).

For you, my dear readers, to understand what Tsuki will say next (and what it implies), we must first take a look into Jessica's mind. (Author's Note: Please keep hands, feet, Jagan eyes, and any other mind-warping devices to yourself and out of service. I cannot be held accountable for any temporary or permanent damage done or items lost in the vast unknown of Tsuki's Mind.)

Inside Tsuki's Mind +

Sue + hot little fire demon + secluded woods obscene possibilities

What did I have for breakfast today? I think it was - no, that was yesterday. Hm...

2 + 2 Fish

No! That's not right!

Obscenities...

Out of Jessica's Mind +

"Whoops, I'm sorry Sue. I didn't mean to _intrude _on anything..." Tsuki blurted out. Before either Sue or Hiei could defend their purity - well, before Sue could defend her purity and Hiei his honor - Tsuki continued, "I don't even know how I got here. You're probably not going to believe me, but I'll tell you anyways. There was this black hole thingy - "

"And it sucked you in, then pushed you out here." asked Hiei in a bored monotone.

"Yeah! How did you know?"

"You're not its first victim," Hiei responded in a bitter tone.

"Hey Tsuki, you got a hair thing?" Sue asked suddenly, turning curious eyes to her friend.

Tsuki held up her arms so Sue could see that they were, indeed, void of any such 'hair things'. "Sorry. Don't you usually have one?"

"Yeah, but _someone_ ripped my kimono, and my last hair thing is holding it together," replied Sue, her eyes turning accusingly to the short demon, a smile playing around her lips.

Tsuki, ever the observant one, tried to process the statement in her mind, but (as we've seen before how disorganized it is) got no where, and asked, "Wait, how did it rip?"

"Uh..." Sue thought desperately for a believable excuse, "Hiei tripped...while holding his katana. Yeah." The aforementioned fire demon snorted, while still looking lost, and kind of blank.

But, the truth cannot stay hidden for long! Or, that's what a certain blue-haired ferry girl thought, which justified her act of randomly POPping into the scene containing our three heroes. Meh, too much Pokemon, I meant to say "...our three characters." Really.

Back to Botan. She materialized from thin air (since that what 'materialize' means, my friend) and dropped delicately to the ground (several hundred years of practice gave her the grace to do so), facing Jessica. "Actually, your friend is lying. She was walking away when - oompf!"

Botan the bubbly, blue-haired ferry girl (whew, try saying _that_ three times fast!) was immediately tackled from behind by none other than Sue, a hand clamped over her mouth.

Sue smiled innocently at Tsuki from her position, on Botan's back. "Really, he tripped," she said quickly. Botan randomly disappeared, leaving Sue to fall ungraciously to the floor. See, unlike Botan, Sue has not been alive for several hundreds of years, and has yet to acquire any kind of grace whatsoever.

"Yeah, sure, and I'm Kurama," Tsuki said disbelievingly.

"No you're not," stated a confused fire demon.

"That's the point."

Hiei let out a small, aggravated sigh and massaged his temples. "Do you at least know where he is?"

Tsuki appeared to be deep in thought for a moment. Or, who knows, maybe she just blacked out for a second or two and it just happened to _look_ like she was in deep thought. But, whatever the case, she came out of her stupor and asked, "Is he that weird dude with long red hair and green eyes?"

Hiei nodded enthusiastically (I'd like to see that). "Yes." He almost looked like a small child awaiting a piece of candy the way he was expectantly awaiting Tsuki's answer.

"Never seen him in my life!"

Well, that didn't sound encouraging at all! To let out his frustration, Hiei began to pace on the forest floor, stroking an invisible goatee.

Sue and Tsuki merely stood by and watched this take place. "You know," quipped Sue, "You shouldn't get so worked up about it. People might start to think you're...crooked."

Hiei stopped his pacing. "What?"

"I said, 'You shouldn't - "

"I know what you said!"

"They why'd you say 'What'!"

"Because..."

"Crooked means gay, Hiei," Tsuki finally informed him, coming to the rescue. "And gay means - " Oh, but if she only knew where to stop...

"I know what gay means!"

"All right already! No need to get a 'tude with us, mister!" Sue reprimanded, shaking her pointer finger in time with her words to emphasize her point (or to make it look spiffy).

A moment of silence passed before Hiei said quietly, "What is so bad about being gay?"

Now, that might have been a question asked to himself, the kind someone says aloud when they are thinking. It also might have been a small proclamation of Hie's love life. No one _really_ knows, though - not even me, and I'm writing this thing.

Nevertheless, Tsuki promptly burst out dramatically, "Because YOU'RE TOO HOT TO BE GAY!"

Now that no birds of any sane kind nested in any nearby trees, thanks to Tsuki's outburst, an awkward silence descended up on the odd group assembled. It was again broken by our favorite little fire demon. "So you don't think Kurama's...hot?"

Oh, that god forsaken **sound**! It _burned_! Hiei was at a complete loss as to why these idiotic human girls were giggling again. "Uh...no!" Tsuki said through her giggles.

"The hair's a turn-off," added Sue, sitting down on the floor, still chuckling.

Hiei growled to himself. "I told him I should cut it."

Sue stopped mid-giggle. "So you _are_ gay?" she said, not trying to hide her dismay at this new, unfortunate discovery.

Hiei cursed aloud, and probably would have utter far many more obscenities, but a chemical reaction known as Blinding Frustration/Rage was impairing his ability to think and make comprehensible statements. The capitol letters make it look important and official, don't they?

But what triggered this Blinding Frustration/Rage? It wasn't merely one thing, but more a building up of misfortunate events that had spanned the course of about one day. For example, the annoying teenage girly giggle Sue and Tsuki frequently engaged in was a trigger for this reaction. Other factors were the constant random rabid fangirls popping literally out of nowhere (it would get to _you _after a while, too), his temporary loss of Kurama, then the questioning of his sexuality. And the unexplainable phenomena that only happen every two millennia had wormed its way in there somehow.

All in all these factors could only lead up to...two things. (1) Hiei would go insane and gorge on fried chicken, eventually begging Koenma to replace his fire powers with telekenis ones so he wouldn't have to actually _get up _to reach the TV dial, or (2) he would temporarily revert to a demonic state of mind and feel an irrepressible urge to venture upon a homicidal rampage.

Let's go with choice 2!

The effect took place immediately. A malicious glint lit the fire demon's eyes, and his skin tinged green. His hair also did that nifty parting thing where it stands up more than usual (more in the front though), a signal that he was about to use his Jagan. He smirked demonically, revealing teeth that suddenly seemed razor sharp and oh-so-shiny. Does anyone else think he looks particularly attractive when this happens, or am I just a psycho? Oh, just label me 'Rabid' and give me a bishonen to worship! I'D BE HAPPY!

Oh, the dilemnas of a fanatic. Too bad this story doesn't deal with my obsession problems. In a way, yes it does, but we have a story to finish. So meanwhile...

"Five."

"Huh?"

"Four."

"Hiei?"

"Three. Two."

There was a long pause in which no one said anything, for it wouldn't be a pause if someone was talking. Sue and Tsuki exchanged a confused glance while Hiei looked on, being all demonic and stuff.

"One. I gave you the chance to run, but now I cannot be held accountable for my actions," Hiei informed them, inching closer with his katana unsheathed and held before him in what the two girls could only assume was a fighting position. I mean, they've had no experience with katanas before, it's not as if ESPN has an annual Katana Competition or anything (I don't see why, though, they have everything else).

Tsuki, brave thing she was, quickly ducked behind Sue. That left Sue as Hiei's main target. She tried to remain cool in the immediate danger she had just been faced with.

"Hiei, come on, let's talk this out like civilized people - " she tried to reason.

But apparently to no avail. "I'm not civilized, dammit, I'm a demon!" Hiei retorted emphatically, making a good point.

Sue sighed in frustration and panic. "Hiei, don't be such a fag - er, I mean, don't be an idiot! We promise, we won't tell anyone you're gay! We swear! Right Tsuki?" Tsuki popped her head up from behind Sue's shoulder, nodding it quickly, then ducking back behind her friend. Hiei kept slowly inching his way over, disregarding the frightened girl's attempted negotiations. He was probably ignoring her completely, what with his current state of mind and all.

"Must...kill...!" Yes, Hiei was gone. In his place was a serial murderer, the kind that calls you on dark, stormy nights, only to breathe heavily on the other end to make it creepy; the kind that will approach you slowly when he and you both know escape is out of the question. Those situations are scary, I'd advise all reading this to avoid them at all costs.

Unfortunately for Sue and Tsuki, they were in deep. They did the only thing that came to their mind, and some may find it strange not only how they thought it at the same time, but then how they did it at the same time.

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" they both let out ear piercing screams, the kind often heard in cheap horror movies where the main character obviously should be running, but is blonde and therefore has no inkling of anything2. But there was only one half blonde here, and this wasn't a cheap horror movie. Sue, Tsuki, and of course Hiei knew that running would be stupid because Hiei possess demonic speed and would catch up to them in an instant.

So, of course, nothing could save them.

Nothing...except for...

Footnotes:

1 This is not really what selective hearing means.

2 No offense to blondes - I'm one myself!


	3. It Was NOT My Poster!

**CHAPTER THREE**

...Yukina!

Why Yukina? My dears, if you are asking me this question then you have no right to be browsing in the Yu Yu Hakusho fandom, no right to be reading this story, no right to scratch you left ear.

But for all of you reading this who know why Yukina suddenly, and quite randomly, appeared, please keep reading.

A sweet looking girl with rose-red eyes and mint green hair appeared by Hiei's side. In her (oddly familiar) eyes, she held a pleading look, as if knowing what Hiei was about to do and she didn't want to witness it but she couldn't look away. Isn't she just great like that?

Seeing Yukina randomly standing there, Sue cried out, "Yukina! Stop him!" Sue knew that Yukina was Hiei's long lost twin sister (although Yukina herself didn't know it) and that Hiei would do whatever Yukina told him to, even if Sue didn't know why Yukina was here right now. But we mustn't question the ways of Fate, children, so let us move on with the story.

It just so happened that Hiei was not wearing his cloak this particular day. He was in a spiffy dark blue tank top, not unlike the one he was in at the Dark Tournament. Yukina, though, is an innocent and naive girl, and no dirty thoughts such as the ones roaming your mind were lingering in her mind.

The ice apparition placed a timid hand on her twin's arm. "Please, Hiei," she pleaded, looking up at him with those big, cute anime eyes that can get a girl anything she wants. But that was only for so long, because Hiei's muscles are so muscle-y and beautiful that they can almost cast a spell over a person, even more so if a person is making physical contact with them. And you wondered why Hiei always wins his fights...

Yukina was no different, because spells don't discriminate and don't care if you're a guy, a girl, a human, a demon, purple, yellow, or even a person's long lost twin sister. She suddenly got a dazed look in her eyes and looked down at Hiei's arms. "Wow," she breathed. "Do you work out?"

Sue, however, was beside herself with disgust. "I am beside myself with disgust! Yukina! Hey - Yukina! That's incest! Get your hands off him!"

"No, it's only incest if he's my father or brother...or sister or mother," corrected Yukina. Oh, if only she knew...well, she was about to!

"That's the thing - he's your twin brother!" Sue shouted out in exasperation. Not even a second later, a horrified look crossed her face. Looks like _someone _just realized they were about to die! Bwaha!

Just as randomly as she had appeared, Yukina disappeared - but not before everyone could see the surprised look etched into her features. Once she was gone, Hiei turned to Sue and Tsuki, looking eerily calm. Well, except for the fact that his fangs/teeth were clenched, he looked unusually calm.

"S-Sorry?" offered Sue, now slightly shaking with fear.

"'Sorry' will not save you this time. I am going to kill you," the fire demon said in a monotone.

"At least you have a reason now," quipped Tsuki, who was still hidden behind Sue. Tsuki was unaware of the fact that Hiei was like a samurai, and at one point in ancient Japan, a samurai was allowed to decapitate anyone who severely insulted him and/or deserved to die1. That _is_ why they carried a sword, afterall.

"But she had to find out sooner or later!" defended Sue, desperately trying to think up a way to save herself and Tsuki, or at least herself. But there's thing thing about people in desperate situations, they can't think straight. This could be used as an excuse for the lame things Sue was saying.

"I would have preferred it be ME who tell her," Hiei growled. "But it's too late now. I must avenge Yukina."

No one dared point out to him that in order to 'avenge' someone/something, that person/thing must be dead, and we all know Yukina was alive and kicking.

"Aw! That's sweet!" Tsuki cooed from behind Sue.

"What's sweet, the fact that he's about to kill us!" asked Sue, turning her head to the side to hear her friend better.

"No! He obviously cares a lot about his sister, that's all."

"Oh. OH!" Sue had been hit with a Great Idea. "Tsuki, you are a genius!" That wasn't the Idea, though. Sue turned her head forward to face Hiei, who was still inching closer. "Yo, Hiei!"

"Hn."

"In the name of Yukina, can Tsuki and I each have a request before we die?"

The short demon pondered over the offer, then shooed a fly off his nose. "Make it quick."

Without hesitation, Tsuki blurted out, "Can I see you without a shirt?"

Hiei blinked.

Sue blinked.

The crow in a nearby tree - who was actually the reincarnation of Kuronue - blinked.

"As you wish," Hiei said, proceeding to take his shirt off and stand bored.

Tsuki, however, was anything but bored. She could only manage a contented sigh before dropping into a clump on the forest floor in a dead faint.

"Tsuki? Are you okay?" Sue soon asked her inanimate friend, prodding her with her toe. "Oh Tsuki, you're hopeless! He's not _that_ built..." She turned to glance at Hiei. "...much... Anywho, can I get my request now?"

But before anyone could say anything, that annoying black warp hole roared into existence again. Sue sighed. "And I was just about to make my request, too!"

Tsuki's limp form was swept into the black abyss and in seconds another girl was pushed out. This new girl had curly hair of brown and was taller than Hiei. But, then again, who isn't?

"Hey, Hiei? You might want to start running," warned Sue. You see, Sue knew full well who this new arrival was. And Sue didn't need anything messing up her blossoming relationship with Hiei.

Hiei, however, knew nothing. And Hiei hated knowing nothing. "What are you talking about?" he sneered, turning to face the girl that had just arrived.

The girl stood shakily, surveying her surroundings. She appeared confused, up until she set eyes of Hiei and Sue. A brief, evil glint lit her eyes, making them appear red for a split second (you know, like when Kurama fails to restrain Youko for a second and his eyes get golden? I love when that happens!). Only Sue saw this brief flash of evil, however, because though Hiei was staring straight at the girl, he missed it. Or maybe Sue was just hallucinating.

But anywho, the girl soon regained her bearings, then...squealed. And then ran straight for Hiei. Once there, she pounced, wrapping him in a life-threateningly tight glomp.

If it hadn't been for Hiei's life-long and extensive training for expecting the unexpected, he might have been knocked right over, handing this girl the advantage by being on top of him. Yeah, like _she _would've minded.

So Hiei just stumbled back a step, regaining the breath the girl had just knocked out of him.

"HIEIHIEIHIEIHIEIHIEI! HiI'mRose!" came the muffled exclamations of the girl, who's face was buried in the fire demon's bare chest.

Sue crossed her arms, metaphoric sparks flying from her narrowed eyes. "_That's_ what I'm talking about," she said in a monotone.

Hiei glanced down to Rose, eyes narrowing as well as he tried get her off him, or to at least lessen her grip. Believe it or not, Rose's grip was tighter and possibly more lethal than Liz Phair's. "Onna, get off me!" he ordered, but to no avail. She was _stuck_.

"Hey Rose!" Sue said, making Rose aware of her existence.

Rose released Hiei from her glomp and waved to Sue. "Hi Sue!"

No one said anything. Don't you just hate those awkward silences? The longer they drag on, the more inappropriate it becomes to just jump start a question. Luckily for Sue and Hiei, Rose never actually studied good manners, and 'broke the ice', so to say.

"Hey, Sue, what are you doing in a ripped kimono?"

"Long story. Hey, wait a minute! Why do you get to be in pants? Tsuki was in a kimono, too!"

"Tsuki was here? Where'd she go?"

"She kind of...fainted and then got sucked into the black hole that took you here."

"Oh. How long have you and Hiei been here?"

Before Sue could answer, Hiei spoke. "I don't know, nor do I care." Someone doesn't seem too happy with his current situation! But you know what the fun thing about being an author is? You get to do this:

"Oh, my GOD! I am so happy to be here! Even if I had the chance to move to America and be worshipped there by hundreds of lovely, jibbering fanatics like yourselves, I would stay here with the two of you!" exclaimed Hiei, changing his demeaner completely.

Alas, but that would be Out Of Character-ness, something that is simply not good for the wholesome story! And this must remain as a wholesome story, at least for a couple more chapters.

But be informed: While I've been rambling, our characters have been involved in another awkward silence. Rose was eyeing Hiei lustfully, Sue was glaring daggers at Rose, and Hiei...well, Hiei had his eyes closed and a blank expression on his face. Perhaps it's better not to know what he's thinking about just now.

But finally, Hiei opened his eyes and looked directly at Rose. "Just _who_ are you again?" he asked - kind of rudely, if you ask me.

Rose gave him a hurt look. "You mean...you don't remember me from last night?"

Sue just about fell over with a sudden fit of laughter that was badly disguised as a coughing fit.

Hiei quirked an eyebrow. "No."

Through her laughter, Sue choked out, "Rose, I believe that was your poster again!"

Rose looked wildly from Hiei to Sue. "No, he was really there!"

A look of dawning realization crept upon Hiei's face. But you see, the way I describe it makes it sound much nicer than it really is. When you see Hiei without his normal hard stare, he just looks weird, doesn't he? So, Hiei just looked weird, which actually meant he remembered something (in this case). "Actually," he said thoughtfully, "I _was_ there."

That stopped Sue in her laughing tracks immediately. Had she heard right? She replayed the sentence in her head...then replayed it again...and still couldn't believe it. Rose, on the other hand, looked triumphant.

"I delivered the poster," Hiei added with a smirk, obviously taking joy in toying with the emotions of unstable teenagers. How cruel.

And Rose was indeed unstable. But she was still clinging on to that hope, that dream, of a rabid fangirl. "And - and then? After you delivered it?"

"I left."

Oh, we all need to learn at some point how to seperate our dreams from reality2. It is not, however, an easy process. It's actually emotionally damaging - quite severely, in some cases.

And Sue wasn't helping, either. "How could he have been with _you_ last night, Rose," Sue said slowly, drawing closer to Hiei as she spoke, "when he was with me?" By the time she had finished, she was practically on top of Hiei. But don't worry, Hiei fangirls, she wasn't really on top of him. Well, she was resting her arm on his shoulder, but it couldn't really be considered more than an overly friendly gesture.

But remember, Rose is emotionally unstable. This blurred her lines of sanity and insanity, of what is real and imaginary, of what tastes like chicken and what really is chicken. What appeared as overly friendly, she saw as the start of a deep and lasting relationship. Tears welled up in her big, sad, anime eyes, and she just up and ran away, like in Napoleon Dynamite.

Hiei, up to this point, had done nothing but stand there. But still, he is guilty by association. And this...well, it's pretty irrelevant.

But when Rose was out of their sight and earshot, Hiei "Hn"-ed and turned his ruby red eyes up to Sue. She turned her hazel eyes down to meet his gaze. Their faces inched closer (well, only Sue's did - Hiei still just kind of stood there). Sue saw her golden opportunity to do something - anything! - to make Hiei realize that she was his One And Only!

So she kissed his nose. Just a little peck, that's all. You see, unlike her cousin Mary Sue, blank Sue was not a lustful wench. Actually, she was quite prude. "Thanks, Hiei!" she said sweetly, smiling down at him and flitting away to hug a tree. Hiei just rolled his eyes, muttering incoherent things under his breath, and continued to just stand there. You know, it makes me wonder. Hiei must be pretty patient to just sit/stand in one spot, in just one position, for such extended periods of time! It's truly amazing.

But yes. Once Sue was done hugging the tree of her choice (which turned out to be a very nice looking maple), she said casually, "You know, I need to get home."

"I still need to find Kurama," Hiei remembered.

"I need to get home," Sue repeated.

"You must help me find Kurama," Hiei commanded.

"But I want to go ho-o-ome!" Sue wailed, extending the 'o' into different octaves.

Hiei winced - Sue was very off key, even in her moaning. But something soon caught his eye. It was the metal of his nice, shiny katana that had glinted in the sun. He picked it up, examining its niceness. Actually, he was just fidgeting, in his own special way.

"Wasn't I supposed to kill you?" he asked nonchalantly, as if he was asking someone if they had gotten the mail.

Sue backed away nervously. "You know, I just got this strange urge to help you find Kurama. How unexpected."

Hiei smirked in satisfaction. "Hn. Let's go."

1 This is true, actually.

2 This isn't true. People spend their whole lives immersed in another world. I highly recommend it, actually.


	4. An Ethereal Voice Commands It

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Let's go back to when Rose walked off into the forest, leaving Sue and Hiei to themselves. Okay, so Rose is morosely weeping about, having recently discovered her friend of barely one chapter in this story, Sue, is "involved" with her anime crush of a long time, Hiei.

"This is just too weird," Rose mumbled to herself. It is unknown what she meant by "this". It could mean the fact that Sue and Hiei were "involved" was weird. It could also mean the fact that Hiei was real was weird. And of course, it could also mean the fact that Hiei wasn't with Rose that was so darn weird.

But whatever she meant by it, something was definitely weird. And that was that Kurama just happened to be walking around the same woods Rose had meandered off into.

Kurama spotted the sad entity that was Rose wondering about the trees, and he stopped to stare. His human mother _had_ taught him that staring is not polite, but for a moment Kurama forgot his politeness and openly stared. But this was not because Rose was awesomely, stunningly, oh-my-god beautiful. In fact, she was quite plain looking - grungy, if you will. He just felt the urge to stare, okay?

So, as he was staring for no good reason, he could see that she wasn't looking where she was going. And he could also see that she was going to bump right into him - unbeknownst to her, of course. And that is, of course, what happened.

"Are you okay?" Kurama asked after the crash.

"Hm? Oh, yeah," Rose answered distractedly, trying to move around him and get on with her mourning.

But Kurama wasn't keen on being ignored. For someone who is worshipped daily, you think he'd jump for joy when he came across one girl who _didn't_ pay the utmost attention to his smallest detail. But no! Kurama's a little spoiled, it seems.

He caught her wrist as she floated past him, turning her to look at him. "Are you sure?" he asked, ever the persistent fellow.

"It's just...odd pairing, at its best," she said vaguely.

"Who?"

"Hiei and - wait!" Rose suddenly snapped to attention. "Hiei's been looking for you!"

Kurama's cheeks tinged the slightest pink, but it could have been anything. Yeah, anything. "Oh yes. I lost him after he was pulled into a black hole," he explained.

Rose gave him a sympathetic look. "It's been happening a lot. In fact, it happened to me. It was when was spit out here that I saw..._them_," she trailed off, wincing as she recalled the memory of Sue and Hiei so close together.

Now this was the second time Rose had mentioned an odd, unlikely pair. Kurama was getting impatient. "_Who_?"

"Hiei and my friend Sue. They said - they said they were seeing each other..." Rose drifted off again, sinking back into her despair.

Kurama tried to hold in a chuckle at something so absurd taking place, but he failed. Miserably. When Rose gave him a curious look, the kitsune explained with, "That's impossible!"

"What? Why!" Oh, the possibilities that were running like headless chickens through Rose's mind...

Kurama was saved the trouble of answering, and therefore putting himself in a considerably uncomfortable situation, when Botan suddenly appeared on her oar.

"Kurama!" she cried. "Don't tell her anything!"

"I-she-Hiei...shrub?" Kurama stuttered, obviously unsure of what to say.

Both females looked oddly at Kurama.

He gave them an annoyed stare back. "I wasn't going to tell her, anyway."

"Oh," said Botan. "All right then." And with that, Botan lifted herself into the air and flew away.

Kurama and Rose turned and stared at the forgotten piece of wood that lay on the ground. They exchanged a baffled glance, then stared at the piece of wood again.

A moment later Botan appeared again, bright red. She quickly grabbed her oar from the floor, sat on it, flashed them a sheepish grin, and flew off.

Dismissing what had just happened as a side effect of the strange mushrooms she _knew _she shouldn't have eaten, Rose turned to Kurama and asked, "So, what am I not supposed to know?"

"I can't tell you!" Kurama said, stating the obvious.

She sighed. "Can you at least turn into your demon form?"

Kurama shook his head. "No."

"Please?" Rose persisted, giving him a pleading look not unlike the one Yukina uses on Hiei.

Unfortunately, Rose was not the long lost twin sister of Kurama. She wasn't his polar opposite long lost sister, either. In fact, she wasn't related to him in any way, shape, or form. And that is why her puppy-dog look did nothing to Kurama.

But an echoing, whispery voice floating from the heavens _could _have a different effect.

"Kurama..." said an echoing, whispery voice floating from the heavens. "Do it for me..."

On the aforementioned demon's face was a look of surprise. "Mother? Where are you? How did you discover my real name?"

"...Do it...for me..."

"I don't understand!" Kurama cried out dramatically to the sky.

"Just do it already!" the voice said, losing its ethereal quality at once and snapping at Kurama. He winced.

"You heard the woman!" Rose said triumphantly.

Kurama scowled and walked into a convenient cluster of trees and assorted shrubs that shut him off from Rose and most easily scared woodland animals. She was about to follow, thinking he had just walked away from her, when a great amount of grey/silver/sparkly smoke billowed out from the trees Kurama had just disappeared into. So instead of following, she backed away until her rear end met a tree.

Moments later, the trees parted to make way for the great Youko Kurama. A bored look was on his face. "You know," he said thoughtfully, cupping his chin with his long fingers, "I thought being out in this form again would feel...I don't know, free-er. But, it doesn't."

His amber eyes locked onto Rose. "Hm. Oh, well," he said nonchalantly, taking slow, sensual steps toward Rose. A smirk played about his lips, the mixture of wonder and fright in her eyes reminding him of his old thieving days. The only problem here was that Rose had nothing of value to steal.

Well, nothing except for...something he was almost certain the teenage girl still had. The question was, was it really of value to him?

To be blunt, no. He could find any unsuspecting teenage girl and take their virginity. But he was bored, and she was the only one around for miles (or so he hoped) (don't tell him Hiei and Sue are only about a five minute's walk that-a-way). And so he decided to play it as it went.

By this time he was already very much in front of Rose. "Little girl," he purred, twisting a piece of her tawny hair around his fingers. "Did you not ask for me to come out?"

Rose nodded slightly, acknowledging the truth.

"Then why do you act so frightened of me? What did you expect?" he asked, noting how Rose was pressing further into the tree, trying to distance herself from the voluptuous fox spirit. He smirked and followed her, bringing his own body close against hers. "What did you want?" he breathed.

Rose blushed deeper. "Actually, I just wanted to see your ears and tails in real life," she admitted.

The demon sighed deeply, whether it was in frustration or sadness or something else unknown. It was probably all of those. Nevertheless, he stepped away from the poor girl, who finally starting breathing regularly again.

"If I didn't have the ears or the tails, would you still like me?" Youko asked meekly, after a moment of silence.

"Probably not," Rose answered matter-of-factly. Then she challenged, "But if you didn't have the ears or tails, would you still be a kitsune?"

"Good question. Let me put it this way: Do you find my human form attractive?"

Rose thought for a moment. Or she could have just blanked out and it just _looked _like she was thinking, but she still answered with an honest, "I can't say I do."

Seeing Kurama's disappointed look she suggested, "It may be the hair. It gives you a feminine look. You should cut it, you know."

"Damn that little fire demon," Youko muttered to no one in particular. He glanced up to look and Rose, wanting to freak her out with his sensual flirting more, only to find she had disappeared.

Before he had the time to turn around or look for the missing girl, a pleasant shiver ran up his back. His tails began to swish around each other gently and he closed his eyes, sighing when another shiver tickled his spine.

His eyes snapped open a second later when a girlish giggle met his ears. "Haha, look! They're dancing!"

He spun around to meet the delighted face of Rose, who was watching with disdain as Youko's tails went out of her grasp. Tsk, tsk, no one ever told Rose what petting a kitsune's tails did to the animal attached to them. Well, she was about to find out!

Youko Kurama emitted a low, guttural sound. Rose cocked an eyebrow. "What was tha- mmmpphhhf!" She managed to cry out, before being interrupted by Youko Kurama's lips (which is actually a very nice way to be interrupted).

She might have had the strength to push him away, and maybe even slap him for being so forward, had her body not suddenly gotten comfortable and refused to pry itself from Youko's arms. You see, stuff like this happened all the time, and that's probably why Youko's known as such a sex fiend. But now you know, it's all because of his tails! See, you shouldn't go jumping to conclusions.

The kiss ended an hour too short, in Rose's eyes. It was actually Youko who broke it off, pushing her away from him - forcefully, if I might add. He spluttered around for a full five seconds before choking out, "Never make me do that again!"

"Excuse me? _Make_ you? I didn't do anything! I was just playing with your tails when you turn around and kiss me!" Rose cried indignantly.

"Exactly! Don't you know what playing with a kitsune's tails _does_! It makes him...well..." Youko searched his brain for the right word, "..._excited_."

A moment of silence passed, Youko fuming and Rose pondering.

"So...if I touched your tails again you'd kiss me again?" Rose asked slyly.

Unfortunately for her, Youko Kurama was a kitsune, a race of demons known for being sly and sneaky. So Kurama knew exactly what she was getting at. "No," he lied with a straight face.

Unfortunately for the fox spirit, in the middle of his answer a fly had landed on one of Youko's tails. It had twitched, shooing the fly away. But it was that twitch that made Rose doubt Youko's answer. In her eyes, his tails were just _tw_itching to be touched again (A/N Haha, get it? Yeah, yeah, bad attempt of a pun. You can move on now.). But she knew she couldn't just openly pounce on them. She needed...a distraction!

"Do you know Inu-Yasha?" she questioned innocently.

Youko Kurama rolled his eyes, annoyed at such an absurd question (that actually Rose's distraction). "Yes, we jog in the park on Sundays," he answered sarcastically. "What, you think just because he's a less better looking form of me we're friends?"

Now while he busy was retorting and rolling his eyes and not watching Rose, she was edging _veeerrry _carefully around to his tails. So when he finished talking and looked around, he found that Rose had once again disappeared from view. Except this time, he knew exactly where she had gone.

But before he had time to react, another pleasant shiver edged up his spine, giving him goose bumps. His molten eyes glowed gold as the feeling persisted and he actually began purring. Rose giggled from behind him.

"Damn you!" he cried before whipping around and grabbing the impudent girl's shoulders, pulling her in for another kiss. He could have stopped himself there, but he was a prideful fox, and kissing someone against his will damaged his pride very much so. Rose was in for some punishment...or at least a great deal of teasing.

Rose, herself, was now distracted by the kiss, wrapped up in its superficial loveliness. Because even though his actions were forced, Youko Kurama was really a very good kisser. Indeed, would he not be the GREAT Youko Kurama if he were not?

Youko was very experience in the way of women, as we all know, and he knew she was distracted from the way her body leaned eagerly into his. He used this to his advantage, easing her back against another tree's trunk. I don't know what it is with guys and control, but Youko liked to be in it. And now he had Rose just where he wanted her. He didn't give her back control of her arms, but moved his own long-fingered hands down to just below her elbows, using his thumbs to trace little circles over her ribs.

The sudden movement on her stomach somewhat surprised Rose, bringing her halfway back to Earth (or wherever they were at the moment). She suddenly realized she was back up against a tree and Youko Kurama was very much in front of her. Actually, they were attached at the lip again. Not that she minded _that_ part, but she feared he might have gotten the idea that she would be willing to ahem _go farther_ with him. All she had wanted was another kiss!

She brought her head away from his, attempting to speak. "Youko, I - " Ah, the key word there was _attempting_. Youko recaptured her lips before she could get a sentence out, using her open mouth as a venue for tongue travel.

Perhaps I should mention something here: Rose is claustrophobic. Very much so. She was beginning to freak out, what with being pinned between a tree and a sexually eager kitsune demon who's thumbs seemed to be moving higher and higher to a certain no-no zone on Rose's body. She began to feel a little light-headed, even as her eyes were closed, but knew that if she opened them the feeling would just be worse.

Youko, on the other hand, was trying to work his magic - trying rather hard, too. His thumbs were gradually moving higher and higher...but Rose wasn't doing anything about it. He would have thought she would have been struggling to get away by now.

Oh well, it wasn't _his_ fault he was so desirable. He hadn't been let out since Shuuichi's last battle, after all, and all that alone time can give a kitsune seriously repressed tension. And if the girl was willing, so was he!

Well, he would have been, if something hadn't felt wrong. He finally set her free from his lips and for a moment she was silent as he peered down at her, trying to see if anything was physically wrong with her. Then she shoved quickly past him and sat on the floor, gazing straight ahead, taking in deep breaths and massaging her temples.

Youko cocked an eyebrow in pure bewilderment. What had gone wrong?

Before he had a chance to ask, the girl was up, pointing an accusing finger at Youko Kurama. "What is the matter with you! I'm claustrophobic! You could have **killed **me!" She ranted on, saying basically the same thing. Don't you notice that happens a lot when people need to yell? They go on and on about the same redundant thing that really isn't really worth yelling about in the first place. Yuck.

In the middle of her ranting, Youko lowered her finger with one hand and covered her mouth with the other. "Shh," he told her. "How was I supposed to know you were claustrophobic?" he questioned, making a good point.

Rose just shrugged and pulled away from him, now wary of being in close contact with the fox spirit. She plopped herself down near the base of a tree and yawned, resting her hands behind her head and lying down. "Whatever. I promise never to touch your tails again if you promise to remember I'm claustrophobic and not to make me freak out like that again."

Youko smiled innocently, crossing his fingers behind his back. "I promise."

Rose yawned again, closing her eyes. "I'm sleepy." All that excitement and claustrophobic-ness had taken its toll on her. "I'm going to take a little nap, so don't try anything while I'm asleep," she warned.

Youko smirked. "I have to go find Hiei, if he's been looking for me as you said. See you around."

But Rose didn't hear him. She was already fast asleep.

Youko was on his third step of walking away when he suddenly wrenched himself around. "Shuuichi, what are you talking about?" he asked the air. "We can't leave her here alone? This is a regular forest, not Makai. Okay, okay, if I make a sign, will you leave me alone? Fine. I said okay!"

Someone has issues.

Nevertheless, Youko reached around a tree, pulled out some nifty white posterboard and a nice silver Sharpy and wrote:

**DO NOT DISTURB **

- Youko Kurama

He placed it next to the sleeping Rose and walked off, whistling an annoyingly high-pitched tune, to find Hiei.


End file.
